Frozen

I was standing frozen in the tiny hallway of my house a few minutes ago.  Everyone is asleep before me, as usual, but generally I am in bed reading right now.  I was standing there frozen with anxiety and indecision.  Why am I anxious?   Have I finished all of the Christmas shopping? How am I going to fit all the gifts into the car for the trip to Maryland? What if I forget something?  What if Willow gets sick between now and then? What if I get sick between now and then? What if my in-laws are insufferable? Will the dog be okay with my mom? I don't like to drive at night.  John insists on leaving in the evening. My stomach hurts. Am I coming down with something? The house is a mess. Is Willow doing okay at school? Why was she so emotional tonight? My stomach hurts. Should I lay down and read? Should I color? Should I meditate? Should I blog? Should I watch TV? Why am I so anxious? Why does my stomach hurt? There is absolutely no reason to be this anxious.  I can hear my therapist's ears ringing.

I really wish I could've written all of that in the shape of a snowball.  So yes, in the span 30 seconds as I was standing in the hallway, my whole life managed to flash before my eyes.  My therapist (Erica, whom I LOVE) would tell me to stop that thought process in it's tracks.  Thoughts lead to feelings which lead to anxiety and panic...though sometimes the thoughts are so ingrained that you just seem to skip over that part and head right to the feeling and panic place instead.  Though I recognize that right now, all of those thoughts exist.  I will admit that I don't always have all of those thoughts...it's just a very special time of the year.  Mix that in with all the colds and most especially....my very favorite....the stomach virus....and I feel done for.  One day, I will dedicate a whole entire post to emetophobia but I'm just not there right now.  Vomiting and airplanes are my 2 biggest fears even though I've experienced both (not together, thank god) and neither has managed to kill me.

I hear Willow waking up (as she does at the same time every single night) right now and the anxiety ramps up about 25%.  This is a predictable habit of hers...one that should cause no alarm whatsoever...yet, my mind gets into a cycle of catastrophic thinking almost every time.  Is she sick? Did she have a bad dream? Is she afraid? Is she lonely?  All of these catastrophes (?) in the span of the 15 seconds it takes her to exit her room, come into our room, flop on our bed and fall back to sleep.  What is the matter with me? There are so many thoughts...thoughts that lead to to fear, guilt, shame, doubt....all of which lead to anxiety.

                                                                                                                                                                   
My panic disorder (which is my primary malfunction) began when I was 6 years old...it was triggered by my parents' divorce. For the longest time, it was viewed as a behavioral disorder because in 1978, not many 6 year olds were evaluated for anxiety-based disorders.  If you don't know the difference between anxiety and panic disorder, I recommend that you google it.  Panic disorder is the umbrella under which my anxiety and phobias fall.  Without one, I'm pretty sure the others wouldn't exist.  For years, panic ruled like a tyrant...we'll get to many of those stories later.

My first panicky memory was as a 6 year old in day care after school.  I remember being anxious because my mom wanted to take a trip to Block Island that would require taking a ferry.  The kids at day care told me that ferries rocked on rough seas making you dizzy and seasick.  They told me that people on Block Island had small pox, which were like chicken pox on chicken pox but that they would kill you.  I wouldn't get on the boat.  We didn't go to block island.  I still hate boats.
                                                                                                                                                                   

I don't know if this blogging journey will serve to ease my anxiety or heighten it....only time will tell.  I do hope that as I talk more about what it's like to have this illness that eats away at you a little at a time, people will relate to some of the stories, understand that they are not alone, or, if they do not suffer from an anxiety disorder, understand what is going on inside the mind of someone who looks okay on the outside, but has a secret storm raging inside.

Until next time, do some coloring....it really does work.